Reflection...

Crazy! Well, my newly wedded BFF from highschool just announced she is expecting. YAY!!! I also found out her brother is in the hospital with his wife having their baby, and it was their mom's birthday today. WOW. So this got me thinking. I have been thinking alot about babies lately. How I long for another. And for the first time in my married life. I did not feel jealous when I found out baby news. I don't know if it is because of the fact that we have been trying for another child for 3 and a half years, and with no success, have given up hope, or because I know that as long as I am living under the same roof as my parents I will not receive the home birth I desire. I really think it is a blessing to not have another child at this moment. With the stresses that go on around here. I don't know if I even want to bring another child into this world with everything that goes on here. I don't know if I would feel safe. When I think I about it. I don't want to. I do not want to bring another baby here when I am living in smoke, and always fearing when someone comes home peppered... It is bad enough that my sweet Orion has to deal with it. So there. That is it. I guess I just needed to right it down to actually admit it to myself. Now, is not a good time for baby. Everyone says there never really is a good time for a baby. But this is actually a health risk to me and a baby due to the conditions we are living in. 

Now to keep reminding myself of that. I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father knows what time is right. I have to know I have to do my part in order to have another child. Meaning I have to prepare a safe Christ centered home for a new baby to be welcomed to.